Jeff King’s Blog

I attended a pastors’ conference this week. This particular group is undergoing an organizational restructuring that will impact the way it carries on its business. Personnel, budgets and district alignments will change.

            I observed a couple of interesting phenomena among the constituency as these changes were addressed by the leadership. One was the importance of strong leadership during times of change. Second was the anxious response of some in the group that necessitated the strong leadership.

The unsettling situation demonstrates the need for what is known as differentiation of self. This is the capacity to maintain one’s own emotional and rational bearings in the midst of outside pressures to conform, or when others are being emotionally reactive.

In his book A Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman defines differentiation as:

“Differentiation is the capacity to become oneself out of one’s self, with minimum reactivity to the positions or reactivity of others. Differentiation is charting one’s own way by means of one’s own internal guidance system, rather than perpetually eyeing the ‘scope’ to see where others are at.”

This capacity is as crucial in marriage and family relationships as in organizations. Each relational system needs strong, differentiated leadership. However, it’s important to note that the primarily leadership task is to lead oneself, not others.

The higher level of differentiation each marital partner, parent, child or sibling can exercise, the greater the capacity to form effective relationships in these systems. It’s a growth process that takes a lifetime to develop.

Friedman goes onto describe the characteristic mile-markers of this process:

·         The capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.

·         Saying ‘I’ when others are demanding ‘we.’

·         Containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the ability to avoid being polarized.

·         Maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.

·         Knowing where one ends and another begins.

·         Being clear about one’s own personal values and goals.

·         Taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context.

·         Being able to cease automatically being one of the system’s emotional dominoes.

Friedman is fond of saying that partners, parents and presidents are all in need of

high levels of differentiation. How true, especially in the midst of anxious times.

The scene was right out of my worse nightmare. Maybe you’ve had the same nightmare. I’m running from some menacing ogre, but the faster I try to run, the slower I go, and the closer the ogre gets.

            My wife and I had that kind of experience over the weekend. Our second daughter competed in the Kansas Music Teachers Association District Fall Honors Audition.

            Rachel is a highly motivated, self-disciplined young lady. She’s been working on these particular compositions for the last year, practicing anywhere from 2-3 hours a day. This is in addition to playing volleyball, maintaining a straight-A average, participating in jazz and marching bands, and being in the school play.

            She’s performed this particular audition for a variety of audiences with great skill. During warm ups prior to her audition, she was hitting on all cylinders.

            But during the actual audition—in front of the judge, her instructor, her sister and her parents—the wheels fell off.

The first of her three pieces was an extremely complicated piece by Bach. She made it through the first movement in fine shape. But a few measures into the second movement, she hit a wall. She missed a measure, paused and tried again. Same result. She tried again. And again. And again.

            No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t hit the right succession of notes. It’s as if her brain and her fingers lost communication with each other. She was stuck. What she’d done flawlessly hundreds of times before, now escaped her.

            I was dying. I’ve watched my kids compete in athletes more times than I can begin to count. But nothing makes me as nervous for my kids as these piano auditions. I hurt so bad for Rachel, I could barely stay in my chair. I wanted to bolt out of the auditorium.

            Meanwhile Rachel stayed put at the piano and fought an internal battle of gigantic proportions.

            Finally, her judge offered to allow her to catch her breath and move onto her other two selections. Rachel agreed and played them with great finesse. She then returned to her Back piece, and pulled it off.

            Rachel demonstrated a maturity that many people way beyond her years never accomplish. She found a way to face her anxiety, master her reactivity, self-soothe and stay engaged with the task at hand.

            These are crucial skills for relational effectiveness and maturity. Without them, we’ll struggle being able to develop and maintain effective relationships.

            These skills can only be forged by going through the pressure cooker of real relationships. Like Rachel, we learn to do it by doing it. In the midst of the heat of the situation, we find ways to master ourselves and regulate our anxieties.

            I am immensely proud of my daughter. I’m proud of her musical skills. But way beyond that, I’m proud of her ability to face adversity, hold onto herself, and master her anxiety, even though it was painful for her.

            And I’m pleased to report that Rachel was justly rewarded for her musicianship and courage. She qualified to move onto the State level of the competition.