Jeff King’s Blog

I attended a pastors’ conference this week. This particular group is undergoing an organizational restructuring that will impact the way it carries on its business. Personnel, budgets and district alignments will change.

            I observed a couple of interesting phenomena among the constituency as these changes were addressed by the leadership. One was the importance of strong leadership during times of change. Second was the anxious response of some in the group that necessitated the strong leadership.

The unsettling situation demonstrates the need for what is known as differentiation of self. This is the capacity to maintain one’s own emotional and rational bearings in the midst of outside pressures to conform, or when others are being emotionally reactive.

In his book A Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman defines differentiation as:

“Differentiation is the capacity to become oneself out of one’s self, with minimum reactivity to the positions or reactivity of others. Differentiation is charting one’s own way by means of one’s own internal guidance system, rather than perpetually eyeing the ‘scope’ to see where others are at.”

This capacity is as crucial in marriage and family relationships as in organizations. Each relational system needs strong, differentiated leadership. However, it’s important to note that the primarily leadership task is to lead oneself, not others.

The higher level of differentiation each marital partner, parent, child or sibling can exercise, the greater the capacity to form effective relationships in these systems. It’s a growth process that takes a lifetime to develop.

Friedman goes onto describe the characteristic mile-markers of this process:

·         The capacity to take a stand in an intense emotional system.

·         Saying ‘I’ when others are demanding ‘we.’

·         Containing one’s reactivity to the reactivity of others, which includes the ability to avoid being polarized.

·         Maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.

·         Knowing where one ends and another begins.

·         Being clear about one’s own personal values and goals.

·         Taking maximum responsibility for one’s own emotional being and destiny rather than blaming others or the context.

·         Being able to cease automatically being one of the system’s emotional dominoes.

Friedman is fond of saying that partners, parents and presidents are all in need of

high levels of differentiation. How true, especially in the midst of anxious times.

This past weekend my wife and I enjoyed a getaway at the Kansas City Plaza. While eating at one of the restaurants, our conversation turned to an assessment of our marriage. It grew to be an engaging conversation of self-disclosure. It proved to be a very beneficial, although not necessarily easy, discussion.

Our conversation reminds me of an observation made by several students of romantic relationships. The question is raised, “When you are at a restaurant, how can you tell which couples are married and which ones are dating?” The answer: The married couples don’t talk to each other.

This isn’t a hard-and-fast rule, but it does merit consideration. Many couples who have been together for any length of time sit in silence with each other while they’re out to eat. My hunch is they probably sit in silence at home, too.

There are many theories on why this is so. They might be silent because they already know each other so well there isn’t anything left to talk about. They may be so comfortable with each other that there is no need for conversation. Or, they may simply be bored with each other. Each of these is a possibility.

I’m more inclined to agree with author David Schnarch’s hypothesis. Partners who have been together for long periods of time already know what each will say, and they find it too uncomfortable to hear it. Plus, each is reluctant to voice what they really want to say for fear of the likely response of their partner. It’s more comfortable to keep quiet, maintain status quo and not upset the apple cart.

We both faced these fears during our time together. We crossed a crucial threshold of intimacy. Intimacy dares to be honest and authentic. It doesn’t mean that we are unkind or harsh with that truth. It simply demands that we have courage and the confidence that we’ll be okay even if our partner may not like what we say, and vice-versa.

This is best summed up in Schnarch’s statement:

“I don’t expect you to agree with me; you weren’t put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you can’t really do that if you don’t know me. I don’t want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if I’m ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It’s time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality. One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you KNEW me.”

It’s admittedly scary to take this position. But it leads to growth and possibilities. It addresses the propensity toward boredom. The results are well worth it.